Where Have I Been? #MentalHealthHoliday

cheering woman open arms at sunrise seaside

Hey there beautiful people! It has been quite a while since my last check-in here on the website or social media. I think I’m ready to gradually make men way back but it feels important to explain a bit about why I left in the first place. 

The high level summary is that I desperately needed a break from everything. When I decided to start ScholarMoms, a large motivator was that I wanted to share about my experiences as a mother and student (among my many other multifaceted roles). By sharing my own experiences, I would also be creating space for others to share about their lives as well. This is of critical importance because, in my opinion, we have still not reached a place in our global community where women are assured an opportunity to have a seat at the table and be heard. In fact, that’s why I would encourage anyone with a vision for creating space for women to speak their truths to take the leap and do it. Someone out there desperately needs to hear your voice and your truth. When we speak, we encourage others to do the same, but I’m getting off topic.

In a nutshell, it was the complexities of my life as a ScholarMom that began making the management of an online presence difficult. The weight of being a 6th year doctoral student in the midst of a dissertation process that has been indescribably slow, while watching others seemingly cruise to the finish…its difficult. Trying to be a good wife (whatever that means) when my overall energy, patience, and motivation to do anything were reaching rock bottom…also difficult. Trying to be the mom my son deserves. Battling personal demons from my past that always have a way of surfacing at the worst possible time, yup, you guessed it: difficult. Working two jobs and realizing, for financial and professional development reasons, they just aren’t cutting it. Trying to convince myself that I’m enough when I have consistently received messages to the contrary throughout my life. Facing microaggressions and deliberate disrespect at the institution that I have chosen. Wanting MORE but being at a loss as to how to achieve it. Dealing with loss and praying for a rainbow in the distance… This, ladies, is the cliff notes version of what’s been swirling around in my head for the last several weeks. Eventually I just had to stop, everything. For everything that I could slow down on or stop all together, I did. I needed that time to heal, reset, refocus, and determine my purpose in doing anything. I think it is easy to get lost in the things that you need to do, want to do, think you should do, or see other people doing. Before you know it, you’re bogged down in a life that just doesn’t do it for you anymore.

I’m happy to say that a good deal of the weight has lifted for me. Has my life achieved perfection? Heck no! But I do feel like I can see things more clearly now. Sometimes you just gotta step a way for a bit, gain some perspective on where you’re at, and process the emotions related to that. DO NOT PUT YOURSELF ON THE BACKBURNER. It will only end badly for you!

With all that said, I’ve glossed over a lot of details. Some of it will probably come up in future posts when appropriate. Yes, I said, “future posts.” I’m definitely still invested in following through with ScholarMoms. Although we’re still working on building the community component of ScholarMoms, I know that you all are out there and I know that someone really wants/needs this space. I need this space too. In keeping with my (obvious) realization that I need to keep myself first, post frequency may be a bit irregular, but don’t worry, new content is always on the way!

Be well,